Changes

07-12-2007
in Self absorbed crap when feeling Disappointed

how did we get to this place?
once, and not long ago, the intensity was so bright it was blinding. eagerness turns to contentment. a slip, a miss, a hidden-in-the-shadows voyeurism… i know not the cause(s) but i am assessing the effect.
i tell myself it not a test. i'm not testing loyalty. i'm not waiting for that "silly me. what was i thinking?" moment where i realize i once again am overreacting.
how can i ignore, though? days have gone i hear nothing. i am absent once, twice, three times… when will it matter?
affect? if at all… we no longer speak. we do not broach the topic even.
but i know i test. i want to see what is there. my interpretation of 'nothing' could be unfair, but how untrue?
when does expectation become needy?

i so often want to be 'me' but cannot. my humor is often misinterpreted as banal and insult. perhaps truth lies in it but no harm is intended. my charms lost in our limitations. i'm a watered-down version of me.
like a diet beverage — so not like the real thing — but it's become palatable.
i'm a book that can be opened and closed.
i don't like that.
i won't be that.

i tell myself our lives are unchanged though i've abandoned my desires. i tell myself that my confusions expressed, my incoherent mess of an outpouring is lost and not dissected. but i don't believe all is lost in the convolution.
i believe i am hushed and tucked in, like a child. told to ignore these unfortunate complications. as i relinquish control, i have willingly accepted to play this immature and undeserving role. knowledge and understanding are on a too-young-to-comprehend level.
i don't like that.

i miss what we were and i don't think we're ever going to reclaim that. i wanted more. perhaps you wanted more. but now we are content with it as it is. i'm too expressive; you, too reserved. i want to devour, you want to pick.

it's sad, really. potential lost to indifference.

response:
linka_sofia:

there's loads of deep, personal stuff, here, on which I won't dare to comment, and it appears to have spewed forth in a particularly inspired stream of consciousness, but may I simply say there is a jewel of untarnishable brilliance here, in your "watered down version of me..... diet beverage" imagery, OMG you must preserve that nugget for future use.

so you see, every time we have any sort of unpleasant or uncomfortable feeling, god and useful stuff can come of it.

I love to read you, yay, and congratulations on the refound connection in your newer blog entry.

all in all, in summation, and in short: you rock. I am so glad you do.

me:

thanks, Linka.
i filed this under my "self-absorbed crap". it's where it belongs. i am so lost in myself it just pours out.
rarely i seem to make sense and this made sense to me.

as for my "nugget" (LOL) it feels nice, cathartic even, to catch a stream of consciousness and bind it to written word.
i so rarely have those "right place, right time moments".

i know i rock, but i love it when pretty ladies tell me it too.