untitled

09-04-2007
in Self absorbed crap when feeling Aching

sometimes i fool myself into thinking i want this.
it's truly amazing, because this time last year, i was so sure i wanted what i have. i question that moment, or lack of moment. i had it all planned too.

it seems i have no idea what i want, now. in a way, i feel really shallow, yet at the same time, deeply empty.

i am a fool. i am undeterred. i am fantasizing. i am looking for the easy way out. i am making it too hard. i am destroying something for nothing. i look endlessly for signs. i grow tired. i shutter. i want answers. i want it to end. it is the wait. the indecision. the unknown.

would i fight? i think i would. i truly believe i am that misguided. cock-sure, even. reckless, for sure. willing to throw it all away for something that would most certainly plunge me into further fits of extremes.

i hate being level. i feel little. i don't want drama, but i want feeling. i don't think one exists without the other in my world.

what will it take to appreciate? to close doors? to make me complete.

i know one thing: complete is like 'home'. it's a state of mind, temporary. it is something that can be neglected, cluttered, and become undesirable. it is something you convince yourself is what you need. it makes you feel safe. it's a destination. an anchor. full of promise. always in need of improvement. collecting memories and measures.

do i want complete? i'd like to know it's in here. that it's real and needing nothing more than to be fed. this dependency on a mirror or complement is romantic, only.

response:

linka_sofia:

Quote:
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i know one thing: complete is like 'home'. it's a state of mind, temporary. it is something that can be neglected, cluttered, and become undesirable. it is something you convince yourself is what you need. it makes you feel safe. it's a destination. an anchor. full of promise. always in need of improvement. collecting memories and measures.

do i want complete? i'd like to know it's in here. that it's real and needing nothing more than to be fed. this dependency on a mirror or complement is romantic, only.

This-a here part I could relate to. Since I was a *kid* I have been cryin for home without knowing where it is. And to speak of "togetherness" is to speak of a chimera, one that's stayed staggeringly out of reach for the better part of a decade.

Then there is vocation, or occupation. I have some of the latter and could get more, some time, but the former has eluded me from the Big Bang.

In short, the pangs of ennui sometimes hurt more than an axe to the throat. I got my own thing goin' on, very much probably different from yours. But you, like so many other real peeps out there in the Matrix, are my Funk Soul Brutha.

See you over the rainbow, honeychild!