Left to my own devices

04-02-2007
when feeling Mellow while listening to Just Like You Imagined (Nine Inch Nails/The Fragile (Disc 1))

A lot of alone time as of late, which is great.

"everybody arty" - i only wish, chilly.

i shaved for the first time in over 3 years. i have a lip and a chin. she's gonna freak and i really don't care. it wasn't a preference, only, it'll be a shock.

in this alone time i wonder why i haven't heard your voice in awhile. can it only be oversight? are we that involved in the 'discussions' that this is oversight? i doubt it. i've been hit with some revealing details this week. given the choose your own adventure guesswork i must do, i'm surprised about them. when do i finally break? how long the pretense and how long can it exist as such?

tear it all down, it's unnecessary. i wish you'd only answered my intro so long ago and it could be more comfortable.

each night it's my secret world. each exchange is bliss solely because it exists, even when it's so painful and when it's inane. we are zombie and boundless:

"Janine, I drink you up
Janine, Janine
I sing
'if you were the Baltic Sea and I were a cup'
uh-huh"

that's how i feel. thanks Mike for the poetry.

i've share almost 100 pics, as many songs, days of my life, hours of song and spoken word, as many personal loves…

you inspire, you ignite. you are so foreign, so disappointing, so scary, so nebulous, so unattainable, so impossible.

what is it in me? what? my charms? my attentions? my devotion? my willingness? my obsequiousness? my honesty? my foreign nature but similarities? what? and why?

why can't this be found in others so much closer? have you drawn from those wells so that they are now dry? insatiable? your vampyric nature? am i the next, willing victim?

as marshie marshmallow entices: "seeeecret eatings" is that what we'll only ever be?


ach! 2am. on a given night, it's not be long, but it won't be tonight. perhaps… no… that one will remain in my head.

~

i've finished on a mean song. i need scathing and dark and dirty and wrath. an outlet as i have none.
i like the alone time; i can be pretentious, self-absorbed and easily spill over that which is held inside. for no one, but me.

response:
linka_sofia:

Is this what the removal of facial hair does to people?

I'm having alone time this week too, house-sitting with two angry felines who ignore me most of the time. Considering that my usual housemate and sugarmamma is my... uh... biological momma, the alone time is welcome. It helps me recreate the Sofia inside my skull, of all those mornings, afternoons and late nights in my Bulgarian hovel going koo-koo and freakishly desperate for tactile sensations while refreshing the latest posts in an OCD frenzy, seeing what everyone was listening to and advertising my own aural pleasures....

Blahdy blahdy blah. Where'd I put that 1040. Ugh.

I hope your blissful solitude and funky musings of 2 am carry you thru to a mellow, groovy, and oh so exhilarating week. Lookin fwd to hearing about the reactions to your lip and chin!

Cheek-pinchings a-go-go,

Auntie L